i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
