Me too!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
