They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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