Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
