guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is Oprah even human
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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