Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
