I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
