I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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