we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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