my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's rum buckets o'clock
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize