She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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