I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
