I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
