I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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