So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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