i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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