I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
