and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
