If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
