If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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