I smell stomach acid.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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