dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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