i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
