who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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