then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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