he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
