please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
