I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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