Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
