I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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