A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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