Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
