How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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