I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
