I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
