I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That accounts for only three of the penises
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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