Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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