Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
