Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize