Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize