I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
