i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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