do herpes really smell.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The beer is more important than you right now.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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