I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
