I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
