He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
