Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
