I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
