Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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