Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
