Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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