Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
