I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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